Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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