He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
