Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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