Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
