I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
