careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
