I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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