Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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