Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
