I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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