My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
