; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
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