I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
