I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
