I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
