so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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