It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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