i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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