If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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