I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
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Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
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and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?