dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
