I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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