Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
