shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
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