the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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