You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
