1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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