I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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