Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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