Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
