im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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