ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
