I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
