Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
