i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
