I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Randomize
