I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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