you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
