I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
