Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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