oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
