Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
