We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
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