Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
