Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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