Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
stop calling my apartment porn island.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize