it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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