I wish my penis had an off switch
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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