it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
