Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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