I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
