Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
