im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
