plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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