why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i want to swaddle you in tequila
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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