I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
