My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
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as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
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I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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