Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
