I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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