I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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