Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
