I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
