@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
whose parrot is this?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
