Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize