Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
