The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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